Dealing With Incest: One Therapist's Journey

This is the second of two articles dealing with the topic of incest. In WSW, April, 1981, some of the . issues examined by Cynthia Griggins were the patterns of incest, its exploitative nature, and the familial and cultural dynamics of incest.

By Cynthia Griggins

I can't say I'm exactly proud of my profession when it comes to helping the victims of incest. Psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers—all have shied away from the problem. Textbooks don't cover it; teachers I had in graduate school never mentioned it; therapy supervisors never taught me how to deal with it, although we discussed everything from agoraphobia to zoophilia. And some of my colleagues have outright denied its existence!

Why such mass avoidance of a problem so prevalent it might affect one out of ten families? If I were a bit more paranoid I'd say it was intentional. But knowing what confronting the problem of incest has

Foremost now and always is that the abuse must stop and the child be protected.

aroused in me, I think it's more a matter of fear. First of all, paying attention to sexual abuse within a family drags out every last little uncomfortable feeling about sex you ever had. Sexuality is the most private, intimate and vulnerable spot we've got, and therapists are no exception. In order to deal with the seduction and rape of little children, you've got to be quite together yourself, at least with your sexuality, your sexual feelings about your family, and people who practice their sexuality in aberrant ways. It's no surprise that many psychiatrists, psychologists and social workers aren't there yet!

There's more to it than just personal feelings, though. Most helping professionals, never having been trained in this area, are overwhelmed with the complexity of the issues and confused about what to do. Am I supposed to tell somebody? What if the perpetrator denies it? What if the guy's dangerous? What if he won't stop it? As one childcare worker told me in a workshop recently--a workshop on how ⚫to identify victims of sexual abuse-"I don't know if I want to know that one of my kids is being molested, because then I have to do something, and I don't know what!" She was being honest. Indeed, identifying sexual abuse in a family is opening up a can of worms. It's messy, involved, and a lot has to be done.

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But there's another level of resistance that I often feel pull at me even though I know all the "right" things to do. These aren't cases where everyone comes nicely into your office and talks earnestly about how to get better. There are accusations and denials, lying and threats, yelling and screaming and conflict. And you, the therapist who dares to stick her nose in, are going to be right in the middle of it. This is serious business-we're talking possible break-up of families, people going to jail, children being taken away from parents. The stakes are high, and you've got to know what you're doing. Besides, we therapists are used to being "nice," "helping" people and soothing pain. It's easy to see why most therapists would rather stick to nice neurotics or people who want to "self-actualize”.

But thanks. perhaps to the women's movement or to the movement against physical abuse, we professionals are being forced to look at incest and being asked, "What are you going to do?” A few brave souls-Ann Burgess, Suzann Sgroi, Nicholas Growth-have been wrestling with the problem for about ten or fifteen years now. A literature is emerg-

Page 8/What She Wants/May 1982

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ing and there are a few "experts" around. But the folks I mentioned are about the only ones, because most of us haven't seen enough cases of whole families who have remained in treatment long enough so that we could really learn, firsthand, what they need and what works. So 1, like many others, am simply trying to put it all together: what I've read, what others have told me, what I've seen so far. That's what this article consists of my journey to date, not the words of an expert.

Professional therapists certainly are not alone in their anxiety or their responsibility regarding incest. Indeed they may not even be on the scene at the most crucial moment for an incest victim-when she (or he) first tries to break the news to someone. Rarely is a child going to look up the number of a psychologist or her local mental health center and take herself down there to say, "I'm being molested by my father". Instead she's going to tell a trusted teacher or school counselor or a friend. Or perhaps she can't bring herself to tell anyone, but she'll run away, or immerse herself in drugs and alcohol to forget, and hope somebody catches on to what the problem is. This is why it is crucial that anyone who is around children and adolescents be familiar with the issues and behavioral signs that a child might exhibit if she is being sexually abused (see box). The most tragic thing that can happen at this point is that the child be ignored or not believed, or if believed, left unassisted. Over and over, adult clients of mine tell me that they "tried to tell"-and this was the final straw, finally getting up the courage to break the secrecy and still not being protected. Adults need not be worried about whether the child is telling the truth or not. There are proper agencies which will take care of investigating and validating cases. And statistics

Indicators of Child Sexual Abuse

1. Overly compliant behavior.

2. Acting-out, aggressive behavior.

3. Pseudomature behavior.

4. Hints about sexual activity.

5. Persistent and inappropriate sexual play with peers or toys or with themselves, or sexually aggressive behavior with others.

6. Detailed and age-inappropriate understanding of sexual behavior (especially by young children). 7. Arriving early at school and leaving late with few, if any, absences.

8. Poor peer relationships or inability to make friends.

9. Lack of trust, particularly with significant others.

10. Nonparticipation in school and social activities.

11. Inability to concentrate in school. 12. Sudden drop in school performance. 13. Extraordinary fears of males (in cases of male perpetrator and female victim).

14. Seductive behavior with males (in cases of male perpetrator and female victim). .15. Running away from home. 16. Sleep disturbances. 17. Regressive behavior. 18. Withdrawal.

19. Clinical depression. 20. Suicidal feelings.

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-Suzann Sgroi

are now showing repeatedly than less than one in 300 reports is untrue. Children simply don't lie about this.

Any person who is astute and trusted enough to be privy to a victim's story need do only two things: listen, and contact reliable help. In the Cleveland area that means 696-KIDS, the Rape Crisis Center, Safe Space, or somewhere where they know about incest. There is a growing network of people around town who are equipped to handle the problem, but

they're scattered. They will take care of notifying the proper authorities and investigating.

What a therapist does at this point of course will vary from case to case, but there are common issues and problems to tackle. Foremost now and always is that the abuse must stop and the child be protected. Information needs to be obtained from the child before the family is confronted, and then confrontation done firmly and with care. Every therapist or investigator fears denial on the part of the family or perpetrator, but skill and the knowledge that children don't lie are the keys. Separation of the perpetrator and victim, at least temporarily, is recommended by almost all experts. Unfortunately, with our attitudes and economic and social service systems, this usually means that the child is separated from her family and placed somewhere "safe". Everyone agrees that this is "blaming the victim," but there are problems. The aggressor is the one who ought to go, but how to remove him, to where, and how, if he is the economic support of the family, are they to get along?—difficult issues which no one has solved yet.

Therapy must begin quickly for everyone involved. The victim needs support if she is to begin the healing process. She must be able to work out the plethora of feelings she's experiencing: feeling "damaged, afraid, depressed, guilty and angry. She's been betrayed and she can't trust. She's been confused and bullied by blurred boundaries and roles. She's usually been pushed into "pseudo-maturity," not only sexually but in other ways, and hasn't been allowed to be a child and complete the developmental tasks of a child. There is much work to be done with her, and this can be done individually or in a group with other victims.

The mother desperately needs help too. Imagine for a moment that your husband, brother or son has been molesting your daughter for four or five years, and somehow you've just found out. Let those feelings rush through you for a moment, and you will begin to appreciate the dilemma and personal hell this woman experiences. She must deal with these feelings before she can even begin to deal with her daughter (beyond the initial support and protection which must come immediately) and before she can sanely deal with the perpetrator. This is why most experts agree that even though this is a "family affair" and the entire family must be dealt with as a system, individuals must be "glued together" somewhat in order to talk with each other in a productive and not destructive manner.

Some professionals would rather not deal at all with the perpetrator (and sadly I've heard that stated in rather ugly ways). However, Nicholas Growth, who has spent sixteen years working with child molesters in prisons, rather passionately reminded us in a recent workshop of the effects of such an attitude. Remember, he said, that each time you put down the perpetrator, each time you express disgust and loathing toward him, he is pushed more toward children. He is convinced he cannot interact with adults and each time he is rejected and this is reinforced, he is that much more likely to seek refuge with children, and be driven to assert what little power he feels over them. I ask everyone, professionals and non-professional alike, to consider this carefully. Perhaps it would help also to remember that an estimated 70 percent of perpetrators were themselves abused as children. Who is the enemy?

An attitude of acceptance toward the perpetrator's humanity does not mean he musn't be confronted with responsiblity for his actions, for he must. Therapy cannot progress any further unless he does, and certainly a family cannot begin to heal until that time. Then is the time to explore-is this a man who is truly “fixated;" i.e., his attraction has always been to 6-year-olds (or whatever age he is attracted to)? Or